Jay: These potatoes could use some sodium.
Dad: Hi, Michael David. Wait, I'm Michael David. You're Michael....Somebody.
Jay: It's cheaper to buy toothbrushes than to buy dentures.
Catherine: That guy is bald.
Lisa: Oh, come on; it isn't his fault that he grew a little taller than his hair.
Danae: She was eternally sorry. After getting in huge trouble.
Em: There was a syringe with a really sharp needle that was blunt.
Jay: On Firefighter Appreciation Day, don't call 911; they're all dead drunk.
Jay: That guy was so nervous he was chain-drinking Diet Cokes.
Em: He was an anti-protester.
Jay: Is that kinda like a civilian?
Dep. Allison: What do Fire Explorers and Deputy Sheriffs have in common? They all want to be Firefighters when they grow up.
Jeff: How much would you get tazed for?
Jason: Fifty bucks.
Jeff: Fifty bucks, are you serious? Mark, go to the ATM!
Jay: This sermon should be PG-13 for Violence.
Mom: Peggy is like a walking time bomb.
Jay: Mom, according to Nicole, all of the men in this picture are--look carefully--men.
Dad (swatting flies): Nicole, this one's for you, babe! Whoops....I missed.
Jack: He was so mean his mother called him sir.
Quote of the Week:
Grandma: Chuck was on Nova.
Jay: Is that a drug?